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Post Info TOPIC: Dumbest thing ever

Head Dick

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Dumbest thing ever


I went to a wedding this weekend. My kids were away, so it was time to strap it on and get fukd up.


So After my 10th Long Island I hit the dance floor. Now I'm too fukd up to dance at this point, but hey, not for lack of trying. I fancy myself quite a mover on the floor...usually.


Tonight, however it just wasn't meant to be.


So Michael Jackson's Billy Jean came on. And a circle started to form around the few of us who can "Dance Like Mike". But I'm too fukn drunk and my coordination is just fukd. So as the circle forms and then clears, (Its about a 20' wide circle) I then decide that I am going to Jump forward about 4 feet and flatten out in the air then then do the worm. So I decide to do a drunken jumping worm. I really jumped high, And I really jumped too far.


Needless to say it did not go as planned. I landed squarely on my chin, finished up the worm into the standing position, then continued on my dancing ways.


the crowd was horrified. I knew I hit my chin, but I had no idea that I split the tip of my chin.


Chins bleed....a lot. 2" wide by 1/2' and straight to the bone.


So in  my drunkeness, I was completely oblivious to the fact that my chin was sheeting blood. most who saw the incident however, were not. By the time I danced my way close enough to people, the look of shock and horror still sits with me. girls were flying away from me....gagging. Someone said I should go to the hospital. Iremembert my response clearly...Fuk that, not while that bar is open im not. I passed it off as overreacting. A little blood cummon.


Thats when a guy that I hunt with appeared before me. Says, lemme have a look.


His reaction was somewhat sobering, considering this guy skins deer while eating breakfast.


"Ohhhh uh yeah, you need to go to the hospital right now...its bad really bad.


So I allow my wife and her big t1tted sister to bring me to the ER for some stitchwork. I get there and they make me sit in a wheelchair because im now drunker than i was just 30 minutes ago (maybe the loss of blood, I dunno).


Anyhow, it was packed and we left early, I needed to sleep some of my booze off. So We go to my father in laws house just a few blocks from the hospital, with intent on waking up early and going in for my stitches.


So I wake up in a foreign house pitch black. I, for about a minute, cannot grasp my surroundings. I have no fukn idea where im at. So I start wandering the house looking for my wife. I find my sister in laws leg. I rub it, thinking it was my wife. She looks up at me (im fairly sober now) and says "WHAT IN THE FUK ARE YOU DOING". I quickly realize its not my wife. Anyway, she and her big titted friend (theyre 19 years old ) wake up and we decide to "smoke" a bit and rehash the nights events.


I feel a hunger pain. So I suggest that we go to the only other place beside Dennys thats open , white castles. SO we go, I drive. We get there and order, then pull into the parking lot to eat. Im so fukn hungry at the time I begin to devour. White castles has the ribbed kinda big thick not very long fries. I take a handfull and stuff a whole handfull into my mouth.


thats when the pain begins. In my haste to fill my belly I just grabed a handfull of these hot fries and tried to smashem into my mouth, the tip of one of these hot salty fukers that was sticking out of my hand enters my chin wound......I had just jabbed a hot salty french fry into my gaping chinhole. Pain....Searing salt on a wound hot oil in an open cut pain.


I live.


28 stitches it took....14 on the inside 14 on the outside and a permanent reminder of not be a drunk fukhead.


 


By the way. As it was located near the videographer, and it was the center of attention as the groom was dancing with me....it may be on video.


You will not believe what I did when you see this...if he got it. I am trying to find out if he did.



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Head Dick

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Jeezez CHRIST man!


I hope you were good friends with the couple. I am getting married in October and I don't think I would appreciate that at my wedding.



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Rodney Harrison for the HOF!

Head Dick

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GoBears, that's a screenplay in the making.

It's got it all: slapstick sight gags, drunkenness, "smoking", bigTitted girls, and BLOOD. all you need is a plot.

Thanks for the lunchtime entertainment!! I laughed ALOT!

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Head Dick

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If I were you I would want a copy of that tape....are you sure the old lady didn't catch you ogling little sisters' shakers and pop you a good one?.....and then you "mistakenly" rub her leg later that evening....sounds a bit shady to me! a bunch of beer....you're loaded...a couple pair of large 19 year old breasts and a busted chin....sure she didn't say you were BEING a worm...not doing the worm....or could it have been eating the worm....tequila explains alot?

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Head Dick

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Still no word on the video. And Ninja he was my cousin. and people tend to expect some form of drunken stupidity from me at such events. More often than not, I receive a written warning on my invitation to such events, and receive several phone call pep talks from concerned relatives...."Hey, mr so and so is going to be there my boss....please do not take your wiener out at my wedding"


Funny thing is, is at this same cousins last party I was also really really drunk and grabbed the mic and told everyone I was going to auction off a new style of Armstrong bracelet, the donations would be going towards needy kids. Half of these people I had never met before. So I sat on the couch and pulled my hog taught like a watchband over my wrist to show people the new bracelet. You would be pretty surprised at how similar it looks to a bracelet in the dark, and you would be also surprised to see how many people came close to trying to move it to see the armstrond inscription. Most of his friends didnt find much humor in it. But theyre kinda the pretentious pretty people type.


Also at the same party, I was making some small talk in the kitchen whilst getting some beer and this guy says yeah im married, and then proceeds to point to his wife on the other side of the room (she waves back) and then I say yeah Im married....to that fat fu@k right there in the pink outfit ( not my wife by the way)..The pin drop record scratch moment. No sooner did i say it that I realized that he may be here with those people...sure enough. He says with a he he he not so funny uncomfortable laugh."Yeah that is my wifes best friend and roommate." We are staying with her tonight.......then i uncomfortably laugh...and say what else, the only thing I could say? "Whoops"...he says no problem. I walk away and dont speak to him the entire night.


Oh and and that same party I may have seen the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life....Speaking of bad dance moves. My cousins friend Jim (not very pretentious like the others) and his new girlfriend were jokingly dancing (most of us were not, we were just standing right next to him talking. In another one of those "what in the holy fuk were we thinking things (this time not me luckily) this girl decides that she is going to jump up onto Jim in the spread eagle and grab Jims hands so that jim could dip her or something (I can only assume). I think it is a swing move or something. about 10 people just watch in absolute amazement as this girl jumpsup....I dont know what Jim was doing or thinking at the time, but he sure wasnt on the same page as she was cause she basically jumped full force onto her back and head on a concrete floor. Right there in front of us. The music was loud, but not nearly as loud as the hollow coconut sound that a head makes when it hits concrete. That sound could gag a maggot off a meat wagon. She lay there whimpering like she had just been half blown apart by a landmine. Had I not been laughing so hard (everyone else was concerned, and worried and what not) I would have fukn puked. she went from


  From This               to this


In 1 second flat


I damn near pissed myself.



-- Edited by GoBearsGalason at 11:47, 2006-08-22

-- Edited by GoBearsGalason at 13:33, 2006-08-22

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Head Dick

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nice read

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Head Dick

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I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. Great stuff with the photo prompts and all!

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Rodney Harrison for the HOF!

Head Dick

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Yeah it was great. I searched long and hard for that pic because that is exactly how she ended up. Legs locked straight up, for about 2 or 3 seconds.....That is an eternity if you think about it.


Shock locked.



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Head Dick

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I'll add onto your story with some funny a$$ sh*ta of my own the same weekend.  It's kinda NFL related.


So last Friday my good friend finally gets a night away from his old lady, so we decide to take the trip up north to Fort Collins to party at some bar spots that he delivers beer to now that he works for Coors.  We head up there with another friend and hit up tailgate tommy's.  Place is busy and we end up talking to some hot bartenders that my friend knows and they start pouring the free drinks.  I drink a lot more than my friends being an alcoholic so I start having a field day on the free for all at the bar.


About 7 shots of Tequilla (which I never really drink), 7 coronas and a couple local microbrews I'm pretty much trashed as fuk.  After trying to get a ton of hoes to come home with me (with not much luck) I stumble upon a couple unhappy guys who's ladies I was spitting at earlier and sh*t talking starts to fly.  By now I'ts like 1:30 and the place is packed.  Someone from security pretty much tells me it's time to leave, so I storm out of the place.  I don't know Fort Collins for sh*t so I'm walking around trying to get ahold of my boy on his cell phone.


I'm sitting on the curb waiting for him to come pick me up and next thing I know some clown takes issue with the fact that I am decked out in black and gold (it's not a normal day if I don't get a dirty look or a verbal confrontation with a donkey fan).  I get up and a ton of sh*t talking starts to fly.  He gets in my face and next thing I know my boy turns the corner.  We are right in front of a Gyro stand and there are all kinds of people in line.  My friend loves to fight and pushes me aside to get in this guys face, gets pushed by the dude and then my friend goes to town on this pu$$ies a$$.  After getting beat down he gets back up and I decided to get my shots in so I punch him and then stomp on his face.  Unfortunatly by now the cops have drove up behind us and saw me kick the dude in the face so me and my friend promply get tackled and cuffed.


Meanwhile, this dumba$$ trys to run away while we are on the ground and being the big a$$ oaf we was stumbles and goes head first into the Gyro stand grill.  The scream from the guys mouth will always be ringing in my ears.  Dude has to go away in an ambulance for burns and we walked away with disorderly conduct tickets.


Call me PacMan Wallace.


And this all comes after I was arrested for DUI 2 weeks earlier.


My brother now calls me ChrisTurdio.



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always kick the browns when they're down

Head Dick

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you booted him after your friend had worked him over?....real hard guy huh? That ranks right in there with..."I didn't hit him until he turned his wheelchair around"....sorry Chris.....not funny....just kinda sad


first off while many Coloradians are hard core Broncos fans, most of the people there are implants, and favor thier own team....if you got crap for wearing Gold and Black the drunk probably thought you were a Hawkeyes fan and needed your azz kicked....most Hawkeye fans do.


PS...due to the fact that I (unfortunately) am very familiar with the charges....if a cop SAW you kick him in the face you would have been gone for assault....period. Public Intox....assault and battery....they used to be old friends of mine...getting a little mellower with my old age



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Head Dick

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Iowa I disagree. What manly man ever made up rules in a streetfight? There is nothing sad about punishing a stupid fuk for endangering your well being for something so simple as a gold shirt?


Want to know what my rules are?


1.) if you are getting loud with me or arguing with me in any way about anything do not come within punching distance. It's not that I have any intention of fighting you, but If you do this when we are arguing I am going to assume that we are eventually going to fight. I hit first and ask questions later. If you penetrate that barrier I am going to knock you out first. Nothing will prevent a knock down drag out lawn furniture grabbin bottle over the face breaking girl jumpin on my back while im fighting, broken teeth, gashes and knife wounds brawl...then a lighting quick knockout shot to the temple. That way we both save ourselves the hassle of cops and hospitals right? You get a headache and a lesson, I get my pretty face and everything is kosher.


2.) if by some chance I end up in a fight with you I am going to assume that you have friends nearby and this is going to escalate into something very chaotic and uncontrollable and I am going to get hurt. Nothing angers me more than people doing things that potentially endanger my life. I like to make those choices for myself (and regularly do). So I have no qualms whatsoever with using a prop or two to put you down quickly. You see Iowa, I am pretty, and I intend to stay that way. I am going to assume that you are going to try to make me un-pretty, therefore I am going to get you first before you, or one of your buddies do it first. Plus, I am going to worry about one of your friends coming from the top rope.


So Iowa, you can stick to your feel good "street fight code of ethics", but how many people that you know that are out brawling on a saturday night are going to observe the same set of principles as that of you?...Let me answer that for you. NONE. Not one. Your ethics don't mean sh1t when a lamp is cracked over your head or you catch a blade in your belly. You absolutely have to assume those things are going to happen. Err on caution...So protracted mano y mano fights though very noble and dignified, are very rare in uncontrolled environments, and no amount of Judo training is going to prevent some idiot or group of idiots from doing something to you that doesn't fall into this imaginary ethical street fight credo. Strike first, strike hard,and live longer than that guy and prettier.


And yes I know you do Judo.....I wrestled in high school and college. I am a big boy. In a street fight nothing matters but being able to walk away with as little damage as possible.


My philosophy on the final kick to the face thing....anyone dumb enough to start sh1t with me for wearing a gold shirt deserves to eat fukn Nike. My guess is that a person like that has eaten the proverbial Nike sandwich before. Is it wallace's fault that this fukwad bellied up to the proverbial sammich stand again and got served and extra helping? I think not. As for the grill. Thats all I have to say is "Justice is served". That is fukn hilarious. If Wallaces story is correct, then that stupid c0cksucker got exactly what he deserved ....a big fat shoe sammich to the eye with extra blood and a side order of grilled eyelashes and topped off with a fried bologna cheek.



-- Edited by GoBearsGalason at 14:13, 2006-08-28

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Half A Man

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i liked the big tittied story better, howeva, ttiwwp.

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Head Dick

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First of all:


GoBears is right on all accounts.  I'm wasted.  He's wasted.  And no this had nothing to do with  the University of Iowa .  It was spicifically "Steelers suck, I'm gonna kick your a$$."


When you are twice my size and twice the size of my boy (I am 5'9 150 my boy is 5'9 165? and this clown was 6'4 250) street fight rules when everyone is wasted get thrown out the window.  This guy is out of control, and there is no telling what can go down.  He actually did have friends in the area but the didn't want it with us and instead waited for the cops to show up and then claim the "those two guys jumped our friend."


There are no rules in street fights.  Period.  If you are going to start sh*t with me because of my football team your a$$ is stupid.  The initial punch I landed was while the guy was upright; the kick happened while he was going down to the ground.


By the way GoBears, unfortunately for him it wasn't a pair a nike's.  It was a pair of Lugz boots.


And the entire point of the story wasn't about how the guy got beat down.  it was about the fact that the idiot tried to run from the cops and ended up face first into a steaming hot gyro grill.  If that isn't funny as f*ck you need your pulse taken.


 


 



-- Edited by Christopher Wallace at 03:13, 2006-08-29

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always kick the browns when they're down

Head Dick

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So you gave him the footlong Roast beef instead of the 6" turkey!

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Head Dick

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you guys missed the point.....GoBears me and you are much the same in our street fighting....get within my arm reach during an arguement and you're hit period....an I agree once crap gets started it is no holds barred for sure..


as the story went....his buddy beat down this guy....while he was down he got his shots in....guy already took a thumping and old Braveheart going to get his shots in while he was down...sorry...total lack of respect


Honor in a street fight?....are you serious?...LOL...from me?..Lmmfao...you guys definitely don't know me very well....that honor crap ends at the end of the Judo mat....Judo is a sport, and therefore taken as a sport....my highest belts are in Ju Jitsu (Brazilian/Taiho/Haka Ryu/Minami Ryu) and the only rule is win...a true warrior will use whatever is at hand to win a fight...as will I. I bite, gouge, pull hair, head butt,..... One of my favorite tactics is to ask a guy to step outside...when the idiot walks out the door, punching him in the back of the head and then bulldogging him down and bouncing his grill of the sidewalk, fight is generally over then....honor in a fight...LOL...don't count on alot of that if you roll up on me.


here is the situation from my angle...it was your fight...dude got in your face...you let your buddy kick his azz, cool, it then became your buddies' fight...what the hell are you doing getting your shots in afterwards? If you wanted to fight the guy why did you let your buddy step in? I don't take sloppy seconds...no matter how hot a girl was or how big some guy was, it aint my bag baby


I have swatted more than one friend for stepping into one of my situations....whether  I am picking up a woman or picking a fight....I'M doing it, don't need no help. If after I kick someones ass, then someone else jumps in to get his licks in, I'm pissed....it just went from I kicked his azz to WE kicked his azz, without my "buddy" even taking a chance on getting hit..pardon me for commenting...I just caught the smell of chicken sh*t for the moment


now....the guy frying grill on the grill....yeah thats funny...should of just left the details of the fight out Christine!


 PS....when you hit him it DID make it those 2 guys beat his azz, without it your buddy just whipped that big guy.....I'm not a big guy either, about the same size as you....in my experience it isn't the big guys you have to worry about...double that when they are drunk!


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 



-- Edited by lost in iowa at 09:48, 2006-08-29

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Head Dick

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I like your patented move I'm laughing my a$$ off right now thinking about it!


And in regards to the last licks. Fuk him with a candy cane. I'm all about leaving a lasting impression upon someone, but why on Earth would you be angry if the guy you were with took a boot to some as$holes face? Thats not chicken sh1t, thats just the way it is. If you start sh1t with someone for nothing all bets are off. Even if the guy was by himself....which he was not. When you turn a 1 man fight into 2 on 1, you then just escalated the issue. Chicken sh1t in this situation was this guys friends not jumping in and stomping a new fuk hole in both wallaces and his buddies head. That's chicken sh1t. Not the venting that Wallace did.



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Head Dick

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Like I said...whether i am hitting on a blonde or pounding some dumbazz....if i needed help I would ask....unasked for help is meddling....I take out some 6'6" 300 pounder in a matter of seconds, the last thing i want is someone stealing my thunder (plus I could end up paying for damage friend causes)


maybe chickensh*t was excessive, but I don't think so, if Wallace wanted to vent, guy was giving him a PRIME op, sack up...step up... and drop him. My friend rolls up into this and I tell him straight up....I got this, step back. Most of my friends know once I am at this point, it is time to step back or get knocked the phuck back....don't matter much to me at that point. I am slower to anger these days, and i can usually deal with a drunk without hurting him, so I rarely find myslef in these fixes anymore


I agree with you totally....guys friends were complete turds...stand there and watch your boy get worked by 2 guys.... unthinkable. One of my friends start something with someone and gets his azz kicked one on one....cool, wouldn't step in unless it started to get excessive.


Hey Erik....I got a better finish to that move since you're a big guy, I rarely get into it with anyone smaller than me (5'8" 175, built like an ape....arms hang down damn near to my knees...seriously) but when I have, instead of the bulldog, finish by grabbing them up like a surfboard from behind and dive to the concrete, just a nice flying tackle with you up top....a guy in the 260 zone like you would inlfict some serious damage with the help of a little touch of sidewalk...you'll definitely have his attention



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Half A Man

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With all this drinking and fighting can incarceration or worse yet, vehicular homicide, then incarceration, be far behind?

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Head Dick

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a damn fair question...I will be 46 in October...the only bar I frequent anymore is across the street from my house, and that is to play euchre and Texas Hold em. Since getting my first black belt in 95, I rarely drink to excess anymore, and since I don't get sh*tfaced drunk anymore and rarely go to bars, it seems fights have dropped off amazingly also....that and I now just try to discourage someone instead of trying to hurt them... (watched a friend of mine lose his 63 vette, his house, and 2 Harleys to stay out of prison for wrecking a guy who had hit him first in front of over 50 witnesses) I have had to arm bar a few people to the floor, but I no longer use any finishing moves on them....too much to lose nowadays!


I did most of my fighting before I started martial arts...used to box a little silver gloves and wrestled in high school, so that and testosterone made me kind of a dickhead, but I'm feeling much better now!... LOL... I like to think I've outgrown it anymore.


GoBears lives in Chicago....no one takes thier car to the bars there...everyone takes a cab...or walks, as far as fights....it's Chicago...if there wasn't a gun used i don't think they even fill out a report.



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Head Dick

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I am 27. I grew up a skinny white kid in a real shady neighborhood.


The rules of streetfighting are as follows:


1. Try not to get stomped.


2. Use whatever means available to "negate the opposition".


Until I was 21 I carried a 21inch telescopic baton on me at all times, and on more than one occasion I used it to beat the piss out of somebody that had a similar plan in mind for me.


Weapons, 5 vs 1, even guns. If you don't want to get hurt (or even killed); KEEP YOUR SUCKY ATTITUDE IN CHECK!



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Rodney Harrison for the HOF!

Head Dick

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I will say that this was not really a street fight as much as it was a college town fight.  I used to live in North Jersey and believe me Fort Collins is nothing more than a bunch a drunk people walking around, not the hood.  I know what the real hood looks like, and I'm not trying to say that's where this sh*t went down.


My girlfriend lives in what is about as hood as Denver gets, down around federal and alameda.  I keep to myself around there.  This was strickly college town drunken bullsh*t.


I maintain that the entire reason I posted the story is because his dumba$$ went face-first into a Gyro grill and then got hauled off in an ambulance.



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always kick the browns when they're down

Head Dick

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SPeaking of secret moves...everyone who has ever thought about fighting has thought about the one thing that you would like to do to someone in a fight.


 


I actually got to use mine once.


I was one year out of highschool and hosting at my folks home a party. A friend brought some punks to my house...and young highschool ones at that. My buddy Jim...very big, very mean and very dumb gets into it with one of these guys. They and up leaving. My dad gets pissed and starts to kick everyone out. Jim goes home along with several other brawlers. We were left with about 7 of us. Some still pretty bad guys. These aholes come back. Everyone else was in the house when i see about 15 young guys running down my block carrying brromsticks, windshield scrapers (not kidding you) and some other objects. As they are running towards mem Im yelling everyone went home guys take off. I turn around to see which of my friends is witnessing this. None but my dad and m y sister on the front porch. So as I turn back I get hit with a pussy punch. Takes me back a little. Everyone is now screaming and my dad is holding all of my friends back in the house to see if it stops. These jaggoffs get up to my front porch, hit my sister and my friend with the window scraper and then proceed to break my window with a rock. My dad then stepped out of the way. All of my friends piled out. My brother was at the door handing a golf club to each friend as they came out.


I catch one kid. I am very big at this time. I run towards him and grab him. He is falling backwards..I drove him into my friends car door very hard. Hit my own fukn head and knocked the fuk out of him. HE collapses. I then get up to assess the situation. At this time 12 of his gang of 15 took one look at the thugs piling out of the house and said fuk it and ran away, leaving 3 kids behind for us to take apart. Hmm lets see golf club vs window scraper....yeah not so much. Like a steak in a lion cage it was on now. Hit my sister broke my window one of you fukers is going home as broke as my window.


And there he was....standing there with his back towards me. I sprint over and grab him around the waste. I at this time was 216 i stand about 6' and i am rock solid. This shirtless kid must have been 5'5" 13lbs. I run up quick grabbed this kid load up and arch back as hard as i can and fukn supplexd him right onto his neck. I supplexed him so thourough that I am only a half step from begin upright again. I got up quick and then dotted his eye something proper...


Then I see the kid that hit me....I run up to him and he sees me and starts peddling backwards. As Im running toward him Im yelling "you should probably leave now" (I see that my friend brendan is running towards him with a 1 wood driver). This kid had no idea that Brendan was creepin, cause he was worried to death about me. He says "Fuk you my dad is in the mafia and you are dead if you hit me". I laugh because every Italian kid I know says the same thing when hes in trouble....scaring noone really. Brendan then proceeds to swing at full force the golf club baseball style. He absolutely destroyed this kids elbow. Gruesome sound let me tell you. He hit it from behind. It had to have shattered. The kid yelped like a puppy in blender. Not satisfied with the first strike, that and the kid wasnt moving fast enough, Brendan then hits him square in the upper back with a wood chop. Oh the scream.....It was exquisite. The kid stumbled forward about 4 feet or so, and on adrenaline alone the kid ran away before brendan was able to wind up again.


Meanwhile, My friend mike toting a gallon bottle of vodka and 3 other friends were chasing the kid that i supplexed down the block. The kid was running for his life like a fukn antelope. he was smaller and much faster than mike and mike was losing the foot race. Mike then paused and threw the gallon bottle off the kids head. The bottle shattered but the kid didnt miss a beat running. adrenaline saved this kid from a bad bad beatdown.


Never saw any of those kids again.



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Half A Man

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one time. at the school cafetaria, this fat boy took my lunch money.

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